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Identity crisis

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Motherhood is a wonderful thing and we are all eternally grateful for the experience. However becoming a mother is a big deal in different ways. There is enormous adjustment to undergo for some people and for me this was the case. For others, they were destined to be a mother, their life before children seamlessly blended into their new life with children. Fabulous if that’s you, but for the rest of us, I don’t think the issue is talked about enough. Obviously most people are going to say congratulations and expect you to be beaming with delight that your a mother. So if you have any other feelings you better keep them to yourself right? Otherwise you will appear selfish and as if you don’t love your baby. Well that’s just not the case.  You love and adore your baby throughout the whole process, it’s got nothing to do with your baby, it’s about finding yourself as a mother. What changes in your life now? Your social life, your employment, your family life, your own personal health and well being, the time you have to be you.. Everything before your baby arrived is sort of no longer, it’s all different now. So how do you deal with that?

Post Natal Depression is talked about a lot now and I think that’s great. But that is more defined by depression relating to anything at all within the first 6 months (I think?) post partum.  There is little mention of the adjustment process that comes with motherhood. One of my best friends referred to it as surrendering to motherhood. Until you’ve surrendered your constantly trying to keep a toe in your old life. I love this because it really wraps up the situation.

If you are a professional woman working in a fast passed environment, interacting with people constantly, receiving praise for your work and out on the road constantly, to suddenly being home bound, stuck in bed and tired as fuck. Well you might have some feelings to deal with there…

Similarly if prior to your baby arriving you have a very active social life with friends who are not married let alone have children, you are going to find that you naturally drift apart somewhat, or you might not even feel comfortable attending parties, dinners, events, whatsoever because with you and your baby in tow it’s different now and they just don’t get it.

Then there’s those of us who are gym junkies or marathon runners, people that thrive on fitness. Well your going to experience some changes too…

For me, all of the above occurred and the adjustment process started the moment I got pregnant. I didn’t even want to be around our friends for Friday night drinks. Quite frankly I didn’t know how to interact with people while sober. I needed to relearn that. That could take a while. I checked out completely because it was easier and I stayed home. I began to reconnect with other girlfriends where I would meet for coffee and do more suitable things instead.

There were tears though at one point in my first pregnancy. About half way through I said to my husband, “who am I now? I am becoming someone else, I can’t be the person I was before and so who am I now?”.  I was having an identity crisis. I feel that that continued on but lessened with time and as my daughters first birthday approached I was happy with who I was, I had finally surrendered to motherhood so much so that I was ready for our family to grow again. I had embraced the new me and I was excited to one day be supermum (picturing a cape here).

It’s a big thing and I feel for other mums out there going through an adjustment process finding their feet in a new world. But push on because you will get there. We grow, mature and become better people. What gave us joy before; running, the high of a sale (if you worked in sales like me), partying, getting dolled up, indulging in whatever you pleased for yourself. That all changes and what gives us joy now is seeing are children delighted, bursting into laughter or fascinated with a new skill or hobby. There is joy in building a family unit of your own and what that will bring in the future.

I now feel I am doing what I was meant to do, I have a goal, a mission, a purpose, my family is my life now and this makes me the happiest I could be.

The adjustment is real people! Support your friends or family if they are becoming a mother and talk about it.

6 thoughts on “Identity crisis

  1. What a great blog, Lucy. You write so well. Just like you mum (I am a Bluebirds follower aka diehard! Lol). I loved this post. It summed up my entry into motherhood. I found it a massive adjustment and it really took me a while to find the new me. I remember looking at my mum thinking, gosh you are amazing! How have you done all of this? Lol well it is getting easier now my DS is 2.

    1. Thank you Bridget. I’m so glad you could relate to my post 💗. Sometimes you wonder if your the only one but I think most of us go through this and it gets better with time. X

  2. hmm… “tired as f—k”? Yikes. It might be cool and honest to curse these days, but from what I’ve read about and seen of you on your Mom’s blog, I’d think you’d come up with a more mannerly description. We’ll all be facing different situations in our lives that cause us to question and perhaps adjust our perceptions of ‘who we are’. Embrace each phase, it helps make up and add to who you are. Congrats on your second child, both your children are beautiful.

    1. Hi Joy, Thank you. I see where your coming from re the use of language. You have a valid point. I do use this word to emphasis a point as I don’t personally have a problem with it. It seems the younger generations use this type of language more and more frequently. The older I get though the more I think about my language. In fact my husband and I just this week discussed it as now we have a toddler in the house our language must improve. I don’t want my children learning bad language in my home that’s for sure. I’m sorry if I offended you.

  3. Hi Lucy, I’ve been reading your Mom’s blog for the last few years and simply adore her. I never get time to comment but I wanted to encourage you! I’ve been and am in your shoes! I’m the mama to 3 precious, crazy boys, but before that I was a sought after hairstylist and esthetician. I loved my work and hadn’t realized how much of who I was was wrapped in it. When I first stayed home with my darling boy (9 years ago!) I had a huge reality shock. No one had told me what it’s like to recover from a C-section, nurse, and take care of a baby that really didn’t stop crying for 5 months! However thanks to a great friend, my husband and sisters I made it and even had 2 more 😆 the first few years are a blur of diapers, tears but mostly joy. I think the best way I can describe it is this. We’ve all seen that woman dressed in a way that she’s obviously past. Too tight, too young, too everything. We don’t want to be that woman. We have an opportunity to be something new and great and we have to let go of the old and embrace the new. I still love hair and makeup, I never have given up being lovely. That’s not me. However finding friends and family who support your decision will be the best thing you can do. I’ve had many offers to go back and do hair, good offers, and maybe someday. There’s only one Jesse who can be my boys Mama though! Find little things you enjoy that make you feel joy and don’t look back! You won’t regret it, trust me. As my boys are getting older (9,6,3) I’ve begun small endeavors like digging into decorating my home and making hair bows for my nieces. I make some time to sing, something I was trained in, and read good books. All with my boys close by. We homeschool which is something that I am not sure I’ll ever be the best at but we persevere and are enjoying the experience. Anyway. I felt a kinship to you though your darling mother and wanted to say hi. I’ll be praying​for you and your sweet girls! Give your mom a hug from me!

    1. Hi Jesse, Thank you so much. Yes it sounds like we have had similar experiences. I am confident I am doing what’s best for me and my family. I love being with my girls it’s just such an adjustment to get used too and its going to be a lot of fun when they get just a bit older too. I wouldn’t have it any other way 😍. I hope you enjoy my blog and continue reading 😚 xx

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